Dinner out
Posted by AK on January 6, 2009
Well tonight Gary and I went looking for GNC and when we couldn’t find it we ended up stopping at Old Country Buffet for dinner. I saw this as an opportunity to maybe talk. After the last fight and the possibility of reconciliation I was hopeful.
We got food, and I asked him… “Are you ready to talk to me yet?” he looked confused. As always he thinks if he is sorry about something if he just pretends it never happened then it will just go away. So I asked if he meant what he said, did he really want it all to end between us? He said NO.
Unfortunatley that was all he said. I still need more, I need an I am sorry, I am 100% committed to you, she doesn’t matter at all, I don’t need her as a friend. I want to make our lives better together… blah blah blah.
Forgive and forget… yeah easier said then done, you know.
I am praying for another opportunity to talk with him and work out these issues. I want to know that he wants to come to church again and that the drug issues are through. I don’t care much about the beer, I can live with that for now. But the rest, is important. To walk together we need to be on the same path.
I am glad he wants to stick it out, but I am also afraid. I don’t want to be hurt AGAIN. I almost want to hurt him back and say, well I am glad you want to stay but I no longer want you to stay. I want a companion, not a taskmaster. I want a relationship not a jail sentance, I want a friend not a foe. I want to be happy and not worry what might happen the next day. Maybe I want too much.
I have been remembering our lives 29 years ago, when we would build puzzles and playing canasta and watching movies on TV. We would go out to dinner once a week, go to movies, bowl… when did we stop doing things together?
When we had kids, that’s when. And it’s the kids that we fight about the most. He wants them to move out and I want them to stay. The sad part, I KNOW I should be sending them packing. They are 23 and 26 both with full time jobs. But I like having them here, knowing when they are home. {{{sigh}}} God help me I don’t know how to let go of these kids. Jimmy helps me, Joe not so much. But they are my children.
No they are God’s children.
Dear God, I am in such pain over all of this. If I throw my kids out, and things don’t work with Gary then what have I left. The kids will hate me and I will be alone. Lord please help me, make the kids want to move out on their own. Please don’t make me have to do it. Or change Gary’s heart or change the boys and help them to do more around here. Lord change ME, heal me, help me. Oh Lord…
