Hope in the Storm?
Posted by AK on January 4, 2009
Well last night Gary worked at the arena. He came home between 10:30 and 11pm and was angry that I had not made any dinner. We ended up arguing about it. There was plenty of left overs or cereal to eat, and it was late. If I had cooked a full course meal he probably wouldn’t have eaten it anyway. Then he saw I was on the phone with Shelly and accused me of not cooking because of that. NO… I was not cooking a big meal that late at night, and why should I anyway for someone who said all those mean things to me, hurting me so badly? So we started arguing. I told him everytime he walks by me and pretends I am not here, everytime he goes to bed or leaves the house and doesn’t say goodnight or goodbye it crushes me.
Then he said…”I want to but I can’t” I asked why and he said “because I screwed up”
What does he mean by that? Does he feel sorry and regret his words? Does he want to stay married and work this all out? He talks about some things like he plans on still being here and then he does things that only a person with no responsibilities or commitments would do.
He said he has been hanging around the house, and yes he has. But being here and not talking to me is worse then him being gone.
The “friend” Trish will be gone from the 20th to the 28th. Maybe during this week when I KNOW he won’t be in contact with her we can talk more. But I want to talk NOW. I need to talk now.
He says he will never go to church with me, and this is important to me. I hate that he belittles my church family and me. Also I have to know he is done with drugs. And the drinking too… it gets out of control.
Am I being too restrictive? A nag? I don’t know.
Do I want to repair this marriage again, do I want to stay in a relationship that may or may not have us walking together on the same path? I still don’t know.
One minute I am wishing none of this never happened and the next I am trying to imagine a different life, a life with no anger, no harsh words, someone who loves me and God.
I feel like I am being blown in a huge storm and not sure where I am going to land.
Yet I see a glimmer of hope… I only hope I am still wanting what the hope is leading me to
