I don’t know
Posted by AK on January 2, 2009
I woke up and suggested to Gary that he go get his blood work done this morning since he had yet another day off of work. He said he wanted coffee. Um, yeah a cup of coffee is more important then the bloodwork the DR wanted 3 months ago??? I said can’t you wait an hour and have coffee after the bloodwork? He wanted to know what he did that I would nag at him first thing in the morning. Whatever. He did end up going. I wonder why I even try.
He swept up the woodstove area this morning brought in 4 logs of wood, I thought he was filling the wood ring up but NO, he just left. No goodbye, no I’ll be back later, nothing. Just walked out the door like I was invisable.
This is what is so hard. It would be easier if he just weren’t here ever at all.
I weighed myself this morning and I was smiling, because I lost another 2 pounds since yesterday. He wanted to know why I was smiling so I told him. He said “that’s good” but no emotion in his voice.
How can you live and be married to someone for 28+ years and then just not care one iota anymore? How can you forget all the years that have passed, all the experiences? I can’t forget. I want to but I can’t. I see something in the house that reminds me of something and I cry. I was at the kitchen table last night cooking his dinner and saw a take out menu, it made me cry. I feel like I am falling apart.
It’s not that we were all that happy. Not since he stopped going to church with us as a family. That’s when things started falling apart again. But I always had the hope that it would get better. He took that hope away from me.
I need to get a vision of life without him, and hold onto that and let go of this past life. I just don’t know how to do that.
I am thinking about going to see the psychiatrist I had to see before the surgery. Maybe she can help me some? But she might try to blame all this on the surgery, since 50% of people who have gastric bypass get divorced. But his affair started months before he even knew I was having the surgery. I just don’t know that I want to hear an I told you so from her. Do they even do that? I don’t know.
It seems like I don’t know much these days.
{{{sigh}}}
