Sometimes I just…

Sometimes I just wish I knew what tomorrow would bring based on decisions I could be making. If I knew what would happen if i just ended this marriage and moved on with my life. If I knew it would work out and I would be happy maybe I would just do it.

Then there are the times I just want to be happy with Gary. I want to love him like I did when we were first together. When he was always on my mind, when I ached to see him during the day when he was working. When we were insepearable the rest of the time. When we slept we were intertwined around each other, legs arms, bodies, it was hard to know where I ended and he began.

But days like today when he has no heart, no sensitivity, is just mean and aggrivating I can’t bear to think about another week in this marriage.  He can be so selfish, so mean.

Adam is 4, 4 year olds jump and play and throw balls and spill potato chip crumbs on the couch. They walk in from playing in the snow and still have their boots on. It’s just not right to yell at him for those things. It gets me mad, Adam crying and I hate it.

So he leaves because he has a headache and goes to drink beer with who ever, could even be her, I don’t know. He says NO, but then he said that before too. Comes back and says he had been in the house all day and needed to get out. Oh really??? Where do you think I was and who was taking care of Adam all that time?

I have been dreaming that we were repairing the marriage getting our lives back, restoring the feelings of love, even being intimate sexually. And I was thinking maybe tonight I’d go upstairs and surprise him, and then today happened. Now I don’t want to. I don’t want to reward him for bad behavior.

Oh God give me strength and wisdom.

Still pending

Well we haven’t fought and we seem to be more civil to each other. This morning he gave me a kiss before he left for work and a kiss when he went up to bed tonight. It’s been over two weeks since he has done that.

We still haven’t really talked and I am pretty sure the talking wonlt happen until I am up in the bedroom with him. It’s always been that way. I am not quite ready to deal with that yet… but I know it won’t be long because I really want to talk.

A Fight Avoided

Well Jim and Joe share a car to go back and forth to work. Jim is staying overnight at a friends house and therefore Joe has no car to get to work in unless he uses mine. This is a rare occasion and usually not a problem… BUT it is going to snow tonight and ice storm tomorrow so Gary wants the car so he can take it to work in the morning. It still should work as Joe gets home in time for Gary to go to work.

When I told Gary about the situation he freaked. Voiced his opnion loudly that NO WAY was Joe taking our car in the snow. He said make him take a Taxi!!! Then he started talking about the water heater that is almost dead, we already know this but don’t have money to replace it yet. I saw the fight comming on and coming on FAST.

He left to go get beer he said. After a few minutes he called me and said Joe could take the car after all. Wonder what happened?

Well when he finally came home I figured out what happened. He had that odor all over him, he got high with someone? Who?? I don’t know. Her??? Possibly. That’s what she did with him before. In fact she stalked outside my house one night cause she was in withdrawl and wanted Gary to give her something.

I didn’t ask him who he was with or where he got the drugs. That would have just started another major fight. I had a fairly good day and didn’t want to fight.

But I struggle here. Drugs are not acceptable. I can’t live with that. For goodness sake he is almost 50 years old, he should have grown out of the need for pot. This is a deal breaker for me, I think. It’s always been an issue. I over looked it when we were first married and we were young and had no kids. I guess I should have dealt with this way back then, now he is set in his ways. I am thankful he doesn’t do it around the house I guess but I still don’t approve. What can I do about this? What should I do about this? Have I waited too long and now MUST live with the results of my approval from eons ago?

It’s always something… {{{sigh}}}

Dinner out

Well tonight Gary and I went looking for GNC and when we couldn’t find it we ended up stopping at Old Country Buffet for dinner. I saw this as an opportunity to maybe talk. After the last fight and the possibility of reconciliation I was hopeful.

We got food, and I asked him… “Are you ready to talk to me yet?” he looked confused. As always he thinks if he is sorry about something if he just pretends it never happened then it will just go away. So I asked if he meant what he said, did he really want it all to end between us? He said NO.

Unfortunatley that was all he said. I still need more, I need an I am sorry, I am 100% committed to you, she doesn’t matter at all, I don’t need her as a friend. I want to make our lives better together… blah blah blah.

Forgive and forget… yeah easier said then done, you know.

I am praying for another opportunity to talk with him and work out these issues. I want to know that he wants to come to church again and that the drug issues are through. I don’t care much about the beer, I can live with that for now. But the rest, is important. To walk together we need to be on the same path.

I am glad he wants to stick it out, but I am also afraid. I don’t want to be hurt AGAIN. I almost want to hurt him back and say, well I am glad you want to stay but I no longer want you to stay. I want a companion, not a taskmaster. I want a relationship not a jail sentance, I want a friend not a foe. I want to be happy and not worry what might happen the next day. Maybe I want too much.

I have been remembering our lives 29 years ago, when we would build puzzles and playing canasta and watching movies on TV. We  would go out to dinner once a week, go to movies, bowl… when did we stop doing things together?

When we had kids, that’s when. And it’s the kids that we fight about the most. He wants them to move out and I want them to stay. The sad part, I KNOW I should be sending them packing. They are 23 and 26 both with full time jobs. But I like having them here, knowing when they are home. {{{sigh}}} God help me I don’t know how to let go of these kids. Jimmy helps me, Joe not so much. But they are my children.

No they are God’s children.

Dear God, I am in such pain over all of this. If I throw my kids out, and things don’t work with Gary then what have I left. The kids will hate me and I will be alone. Lord please help me, make the kids want to move out on their own. Please don’t make me have to do it. Or change Gary’s heart or change the boys and help them to do more around here. Lord change ME, heal me, help me. Oh Lord…

Hope in the Storm?

Well last night Gary worked at the arena. He came home between 10:30 and 11pm and was angry that I had not made any dinner. We ended up arguing about it. There was plenty of left overs or cereal to eat, and it was late. If I had cooked a full course meal he probably wouldn’t have eaten it anyway. Then he saw I was on the phone with Shelly and accused me of not cooking because of that. NO… I was not cooking a big meal that late at night, and why should I anyway for someone who said all those mean things to me, hurting me so badly? So we started arguing. I told him everytime he walks by me and pretends I am not here, everytime he goes to bed or leaves the house and doesn’t say goodnight or goodbye it crushes me.

Then he said…”I want to but I can’t” I asked why and he said “because I screwed up”

What does he mean by that? Does he feel sorry and regret his words? Does he want to stay married and work this all out? He talks about some things like he plans on still being here and then he does things that only a person with no responsibilities or commitments would do.

He said he has been hanging around the house, and yes he has. But being here and not talking to me is worse then him being gone.

The “friend” Trish will be gone from the 20th to the 28th. Maybe during this week when I KNOW he won’t be in contact with her we can talk more. But I want to talk NOW. I need to talk now.

He says he will never go to church with me, and this is important to me. I hate that he belittles my church family and me. Also I have to know he is done with drugs. And the drinking too… it gets out of control.

Am I being too restrictive? A nag? I don’t know.

Do I want to repair this marriage again, do I want to stay in a relationship that may or may not have us walking together on the same path? I still don’t know.

One minute I am wishing none of this never happened and the next I am trying to imagine a different life, a life with no anger, no harsh words, someone who loves me and God.

I feel like I am being blown in a huge storm and not sure where I am going to land.

Yet I see a glimmer of hope… I only hope I am still wanting what the hope is leading me to

I don’t know

I woke up and suggested to Gary that he go get his blood work done this morning since he had yet another day off of work. He said he wanted coffee. Um, yeah a cup of coffee is more important then the bloodwork the DR wanted 3 months ago??? I said can’t you wait an hour and have coffee after the bloodwork? He wanted to know what he did that I would nag at him first thing in the morning. Whatever. He did end up going. I wonder why I even try.

He swept up the woodstove area this morning brought in 4 logs of wood, I thought he was filling the wood ring up but NO, he just left. No goodbye, no I’ll be back later, nothing. Just walked out the door like I was invisable.

This is what is so hard. It would be easier if he just weren’t here ever at all.

I weighed myself this morning and I was smiling, because I lost another 2 pounds since yesterday. He wanted to know why I was smiling so I told him. He said “that’s good” but no emotion in his voice.

How can you live and be married to someone for 28+ years and then just not care one iota anymore? How can you forget all the years that have passed, all the experiences? I can’t forget. I want to but I can’t. I see something in the house that reminds me of something and I cry. I was at the kitchen table last night cooking his dinner and saw a take out menu, it made me cry. I feel like I am falling apart.

It’s not that we were all that happy. Not since he stopped going to church with us as a family. That’s when things started falling apart again. But I always had the hope that it would get better. He took that hope away from me.

I need to get a vision of life without him, and hold onto that and let go of this past life. I just don’t know how to do that.

I am thinking about going to see the psychiatrist I had to see before the surgery. Maybe she can help me some? But she might try to blame all this on the surgery, since 50% of people who have gastric bypass get divorced. But his affair started months before he even knew I was having the surgery. I just don’t know that I want to hear an I told you so from her. Do they even do that? I don’t know.

It seems like I don’t know much these days.

{{{sigh}}}

I just want to scream

You know I just want to scream, someone explain to me what is going on. This affair thing has me spinning. I think Trish has either set up a new email account or is using Poppy’s. There were several emails between Gary and Poppy on Christmas about going to Florida on the 20th for vacation. Now Trish just emailed me to tell me about the commercial Adam is going to be in and she tells me she is going to Florida on the 20th. So it wasn’t Poppy he was emailing it was her. And they set up to meet several times throughout Christmas Day. This is just wrong. Do they think I am stupid?

I want to email Gary myself, because we can’t talk, he is just mean, he yells, he says hurtfull things, I cry and nothing gets settled. I need him to decide what it is he wants. I can’t have him living here anymore. Not with the silent treatment. He goes to bed and totally ignores that I am in the room. Yet he still expects me to cook, clean, do the laundry, heck I even make his plate and carry it out to him to eat.

I need closure. I need to get out of this limbo. I can  not live like this, I need to move on. This dissolving of our marriage is his idea not mine. I was willing to work things out, but I am not willing to live with a lying sneaking adulterer.

I don’t know what to say, I want to say it right. I will pray about it and believe God will give me direction. And soon.

January 1st, 2009 Happy New Year

Well here starts another year. This is my second, no maybe my third personal blog. The first one is basically knitting and craft related. The second I never remember it’s there and haven’t blogged there except the day I started it. And now this one.

This will be my personal journal. A diary of sorts. A place where I can post my true emotions and feelings without worry.

There are a lot of changes happening in my life right now and I need to keep my head straight and my thoughts clear and my focus on God’s will.

Let’s start out by just listing what last year was for me.

• I finally qualified for Medicare and was able to get the gastric bypass surgery
• I joined the YMCA and started swimming and exercising on a regular basis
• My husband decided he did not love me anymore and told me on Christmas Eve he wanted his freedom
• A friend of mine befriended my husband and that is the reason he no longer loves me, her “friendship” is more important then our marriage
• I lost over 101 pounds in 2008
• I am finally off most prescription meds… blood pressure, water pills, cholesterol, pain etc.
• I had GOUT several times and now with meds have not had an episode since April 2008 and once I have lost the rest of this weight I won’t need that anymore either.
• My grandson Adam loves me and makes any day brighter
• My son Jim has financially helped me out more times then I can count
• I have a few really good, trustworthy friends, who love me and I can talk to and they listen
• My God has always provided for me, somehow… I am blessed

So 2008 was a GOOD and a BAD year all at the same time. But 2009 is a fresh start.

My emotions are on a roller coaster right now. Gary is still living here, but we are not intimate, we are just roommates. This is hard on me, I wonder if this is hard on him? I wonder if I care if it’s hard on him.

In my fleshly emotions I kind of wish he ends up with Trish, it would be amusing to me and probably some other words too. She is married too and I want to see her marriage fall apart too. I want her lies to be revealed to her husband too. Then let Gary and Trish have to live with each other and see that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side after all.

I want to lose all this weight, and get the excess skin removed, and look beautiful and sexy and be glad that he can’t have me. I want him to want me again and I want to tell him sorry, you had your chance.

But then the Holy Spirit in me tells me to forgive. God help me I don’t want to forgive him.

I have been married to Gary since I was 17. I am 46 now. We met on March 21, 1980, almost 29 years ago. We were in love from the first moment we met. I really don’t know any life without him. We have had so many battles we faced together. Fires, death, bankruptcy, heart attacks, drinking and drugs issues (him not me), my bad health and inability to perform wifely things and even keep a clean house like I used to.

And now that I have re-gained some of these, no most of these, abilities back he says it’s too little too late.

So here I am, mad, sad, confused, depressed, scared, a little excited, doubtful and hopeful about what 2009 will have in store for me.

So I plan to come here daily, just to release my emotions, speak my heart, record my growth and watch the Lord work a miracle in my life this year.

No one my ever read this but me and that’s OK. This is for me anyway.

Should you happen to read this blog, and you are a Godly person, then pray for me.